From the begining to the end and beyond
by G4rrusVakarian
Summary: Told through letters written to Shepard then read to his psychiatrist. Post destroyed ending. All characters and story, plot, etc... belong to Bioware.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Shepard,

My therapist said I should write a letter to someone that I completely trusted without a doubt in my mind. So when he said that I obviously when to you first, the one being in this galaxy that I had no doubts about, the person who always made me feel better about myself, the person I… love.

Do you remember the first time we met? It was just before you went to talk to the council about Saren. I was talking to some higher up about how I was taken off the case for Saren. I was pissed, so when you came over to see what was wrong I had to put on my most stoic face possible so that it looked like I didn't take what just happened personally. Then you saw me again when I was helping that doc. When that was over you offered my a place on the Normandy I was ecstatic knowing that I was going to help take down that bastard who didn't deserve to be called turian. So when you said that you wanted me on your next mission and to report to the Normandy in an hour to pick another person to help I went to a good friend and co named Pallin of mine at c-sec and told him that I was going take "him" down, he looked straight at me and said good luck in the most sincere voice he had. So when I showed up at the Normandy you were there waiting for me. I was confused as to why I was at least half an hour late to meet you there, I assumed that you would have found someone else from your crew to go get this other person we were to pick up. So when I get there and you flagged me down and told me to put my stuff wherever I wanted and to meet you at the same spot, I did as quickly as possible so that you didn't have to wait on me any longer. When I returned I heard kadian whining about waiting for so long "so that you can bring that turian" I closed myself off so that I wouldn't disappoint people again I made a point to never be late to never be out of line again, I am turian but i'm that great at it never have been never will be.

When we got down to C-sec to pick up Wrex I was surprised. He was arrested a couple hours before I was kicked off the Saren case. When I saw who you wanted to pick up I was nervous I saw what he was like when he was mad, not a pretty sight damn scary. That's when I saw it, the fire in your eyes. The fire that could burn down entire forests, the fire that told me you were serious about taking Saren down no matter what, no matter the situation. When you walked up to Wrex even he looked taken aback almost scared by you, probably the most scared I ever saw him. When we got back to the Normandy krogan in tow I found a nice spot to what I do best. Wrex in the corner just standing there, Ashley standing at that table looking like so was doing something but I couldn't tell what, and myself at that console calibrating the mako. Then a couple hours later I got a message from you of course telling me to suit up and to tell Wrex to as well. So I did as I was told. Wrex and I met you at the air lock. I was confused as to why we were still at the citadel but I was about to witness one of the best experiences of your life and I was there to see it. When we went up to the council for your spectre initiation I saw something to contagious I couldn't believe it. Your smile, your real smile. Not the smile you gave to reporters or politicians, but your real smile the one you only gave to people who are special to you.

The next thing I know we have been given shore leave for twenty-four hours and that the crew was to report to the bar and that you were buying. Now i'm not one to turn down drinks but that night I decided that I would make sure everyone got back safely, xenophobe or light weights went down first, engineers, medical personnel, random crew. Then the core group started to go down, Tali first, then ash and kadien next. I think they had some contest over who could drink more. They both lost going down at basically the same time. Wrex was obviously the last to go down before you. His last word before finally dropping made me laugh so hard. RYNCOL IS MY BITCH! Good night Wrex. After I got back from bringing him on board you were ready to leave, though I had to fight you a bit I finally got you out of there. Once I got you to your cabin you slipped and fell on your bed and brought me with you. Then what you told me came as a shock, you told me that you trusted me, and that you would bring me on every mission as long as I was fit for combat. Without falter you did, every mission just like you said.

I saw you change though. Virmire. Fuck Virmire. You almost killed Wrex, you left one of your best friends to die that day and I couldn't do anything about it. Ash blamed herself for weeks. That it was her fault that Kadien died that day. The first night after I felt helpless I couldn't help you and I know ash wouldn't let me help her, but after dwelling on it I decided to at least try. That's why I went up to your cabin that night, that's why I sat outside your cabin, banging, shouting to let me in and I wasn't leaving until you let me in. When you did finally answer you were pissed, yelling and screaming. When you stopped I told you I was here to help and before I could even finish saying it you collapsed. That night you showed me a side I thought didn't exist the sad side, the soft side of you. When you collapsed you held on to me, hugged me I was so confused, so I hugged you back and told you to let it all out, to tell me everything, every detail and you did. You told me about Akuze and how the batarians killed everyone you knew and how the alliance came for survivors and they told you that you were lucky even though you didn't feel lucky. How they dumped you on earth in a orphanage which you ran away from and ran with a bad group until you were old enough to join the alliance yourself. You told me about your N7 training and about meeting Anderson. About that Anderson had become a father figure to you and when he invited you onto the Normandy you were filled with pure bliss that you couldn't sleep. You told me about what you thought of your crew. After that you sat there not crying any more but still holding on, to something, or more likely someone. Someone who would listen, someone who always had your six. Someone who would never leave until forced off the Normandy by the alliance.

By the time I left your cabin you had fallen asleep and it was later than I thought. By the time I left it was probably around 0300 hours. Walking around being the only one awake was weird but the silence allowed me to think. Allowed me to wonder why you trusted me so much. That was the first time I thought about you and me… as a couple. The first time I thought of you and me together. I am turian but I never have or will be a good turian. The thought scared me with you being a human so I didn't bring it up, didn't want to jeopardize the mission. Soon after we hit Ilos and The Citadel. Saren was dead and to say that I was happy was an understatement. Before I was forced to leave the Normandy you ask what I would do now that I was leaving. I told you that I was likely go to go back to Palavin to take care of my mother who was in poor health and be there for her before so died. Then maybe take you up on your offer to make me a spectre and one day we could meet up and do some missions together just like old times. When I finally got back to Palaven I was so worried that my mothers treatments would stop because my family couldn't pay. When I asked the doctor what it would cost to keep the treatments going she told me that it was being taken care of and that there was no need to worry. When she told me I was shocked and confused. When I asked who it was she said that the person would like to remain anonymous so I didn't push it. While I was able to think on it. I thought it might be The Primarch since my family is very high in the hierarchy and The Primarch was a family friend, but I wasn't going to push it, not something that generous.

The next thing I knew the time had come I was being called up for spectre training with your good word and recommendation to the training officer I wasn't entirely surprised that I was asked to join or at least train with the other candidates for the position. The day I was supposed to leave was the happiest and then very quickly one of the worst days I would ever have. Just before I stepped on the shuttle at the spaceport my sister called me. She told me to rush to the hospital because our mother's brain had started to hemorrhage and that she most likely only had a couple of hours to live. I sprinted to that damn hospital, luckily the hospital was relatively close to the spaceport. When I got there she had gotten worse and she only had a couple of minutes to live. I was at her side holding on to her and telling her that I loved her with all my heart. If I could cry I would have been. She died in my arms, I sat there a while holding on to her hoping that she would come back. As I sat there I thought to myself that was the darkest day of my life. I was gravely mistaken that day would come just under a week later. the day after my mother's funeral was the darkest day I ever had so far. I had received a message labeled urgent. It was from the Alliance, stating that The Normandy had been attacked and destroyed by an unknown vessel and that the commanding officer about had gone down with the ship. That… That was the darkest time in my life, at the time. I was lost. In under a week I had lost the two anchors in my life. I lost my mother the person who brought me into this galaxy, and the person I had become best friends with, the person I trusted the most. Your memorial was four days later so I had to rush out to the citadel to make it, I wasn't going to miss it. When I got to there I saw Tali and Liara up near the stage where Hackett and Anderson both spoke. Their speeches both short and full of platitudes. Next I saw Wrex and I decided to stand next to him in the back. All he could say to me was that he was sorry. He was the only person who really knew how close you and I were… are. If it weren't for that damn krogan, I don't know where I be. He kept my drunk under the table the entire week after you memorial. Trying to deal with the sadness like a krogan almost killed me. krogan women may like the scars but i'm definitely not krogan. That's when I decided to try and make a difference. That's when I went to Omega. I cut my self out of everyone I knews life so that my past couldn't follow me and everyone that I called a friend wouldn't get hurt. I created my own "crew", my own group of misfits to take down the scum of Omega.

Authors note: This is my first fanfic. Reviews and comments appreciated! :) I will update the story as often as I can. 3


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I am sorry for not updating this faster. I had it written out but, had a hard time finding a chunk of time to type it out. Either way I'll try and update this more often then once every 3 weeks. No promises but yeah. Thanks to everyone who read my first chapter. I'll also be doing the thing were you couple your story with music, personally I read in silence but yeah. blah blah blah.**

**Let her go - Passenger**

Dear Shepard,

The Therapist thought that the first letter was helping and that I should continue to write them to you. He wanted me to write more about Omega. I told him that I couldn't travel that road again, at Least not the whole way. After Sidonis betrayed me, I guess you could say that I went crazy and even more paranoid than I already was. I wanted to kill everything and everyone I saw. When I got the call that my base was being attacked and Sidonis was missing I had lost it. I ran back as quick as I could but I was too late I showed up after the fact unable to help. That's why you found me there, at my old base. I had to give them as much respect as I could at the time at least cover the bodies up so that they couldn't be mutilated any more than they already were. I must have been followed because no more then an hour later they were trying to finish the job. They cornered me I had nowhere to run I had to fight. When you found me I was on five days of stims and no sleep. If you hadn't come when you did I would have most likely died on Omega weather it be from exhaustion or being shot.

When the fighting died down and I had a chance to scout what was in the next wave of mercs I saw a figure with red hair and green eyes looking up at where I was perched, then I saw the N7 logo. I thought I was hallucinating… again, but when you shot one of the mercs in the back and he fell into a pool of his own blood I was confused. There was no way that was the real you. I shot concussive rounds at you to make sure that you were real, this time. The spirits be damned if I didn't see your shields drop. When I heard you start to walk up the steps behind I unlocked the door that was protecting me in case anyone did happen to make it up to me. When I heard you call my name, well my alias I couldn't believe it. Two years since I heard the voice of reason, the voice that kept me in line all that time ago. Before I got up I barely had had the nerve to face you. When I did turn and took off my helmet it seemed like you couldn't stop yourself. You hugged, I couldn't help it I had to hug you back to make sure that you were really there and that I hadn't gone totally insane. I was so happy to that you were alive. When I looked into eyes, I had seen the the fire for the second time ever. It wasn't the right time to tell you my feelings for you or, if you even felt the same way.

After you had come back after closing the back entries so that we wouldn't get ambushed, I heard my name being called not by you but by ass Cathka. By the time I had turned to face the voice my shields had been broken and that damn missile had hit me. By the time I hit the ground my world was black. The first time I had seen you in two years and I was going to die. That day I had decided to be the most stubborn turian in the galaxy. I forced myself to breath and open my eyes. I couldn't form words, and my sub-vocals were betraying me. I had to focus on breathing and living, then it all went dark.

While unconscious I was recalling the last couple of days at the time. Sidonis betraying me, getting cornered by the merc groups, then seeing you again and almost and almost dieing just after. The next thing I knew I woke up writhing in pain while Chakwas was about to finish putting the bandage on my neck and face. As she finished I got up against her recommendation, but I had to find you, I had to see if you had made it out. Just as I left the med bay I asked Chakwas where you were she told me that you were in the conference room. Obviously not knowing where that was I had to ask a marine to show me where the conference room was. While in the elevator the marine asked if I knew/have heard of you before. All I could do was give her a slight chuckle which hurt like hell. I told her that I was on the old Normandy and that I was the person you trusted most. She looked almost shocked either because, she was Cerberus and she hated me because I am turian or She couldn't believe that a human and turian could be real friends. Especially after the relay three-fourteen incident/first contact war. I followed her through the armory, looked pretty large, table in the middle and a workbench in the back. Tables on each side weapons on them, looked standard issue alliance M-8 Avengers, M-3 Predators, etc… then we went through a door on the left, then she told me the door in the middle of the hallway was the conference room.

When I walked in you were talking to Jacob. He looked surprised and voiced it too. When you made that joke about my clan markings and no one noticing a difference, it took me back to the SR1 when we used to tease each other. Ok mostly me teasing you about your driving and I don't even want to recall your dancing. It had made me laugh bringing me back to real life while giving that signature turian smile I had or what was left of it. I had almost blacked out from the pain of laughing. I had to try and stay away from people who could make me laugh as easily as you. Before leaving I told you I was ready for combat when ever you needed me. Even though I wasn't at one-hundred percent I was ready to be at your six again. You told me to suit up after I had settled in. While Jacob and I were walking to the main battery, I was getting a lot of sideways glances, so I walked with the most pissed off face possible not that hard when half your face has been blown off so that people wouldn't get any bright idea and try and call me out. As I entered the main battery it felt homey, small, had a workbench, and a small area where I could pace a cot, which I was happy to find in storage in the cargo hold. Once I had set up the cot I checked my Mantis and Avenger and headed up to the bridge since we were picking up Mordin. It was nice to see Joker again, I didn't really talk to him while on the SR1, so it was nice talk to him while waiting for you at the airlock. While we were chatting he had mentioned that you had locked yourself in your cabin for hours after what had happen. I felt so guilty for doing that to you. I had to make it up to you some how. While lost in thought thinking of how to make it up to you, you had snuck up on me with Miranda behind you. We were going to pick up Mordin. He had patched up my crew and I more times than I'd like to admit. He was always happy to help.

After Mordin was picked up, you came to the main battery while doing your rounds. You and I talked for what felt like hours. I told you about my group of misfits and how if/when I found Sidonus I would kill him without a second thought. I wanted to tell you how I felt but I was still unsure of myself. Once you left I was lost in thought again, was I crazy for having feelings for a human, would we even work together, would our personalities clash somehow even though you and I have similar ways of thinking, but I was still scared to bring it up to you.

Soon after we picked up Grunt and jack, both very strong additions to this "family" you were creating.

**Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol & something I need - One Republic**

Then Horizon hit and that day I saw your spirit get crushed. Ashley had crushed every fiber of your being and that she even tried to turn me against you had me so pissed that I couldn't even acknowledge her. Just because she couldn't see through working with Cerberus didn't mean that everyone else couldn't for the greater cause. While getting back onto The Normandy you ran to the elevator so that you were the only one who could get on. I felt terrible again, I felt like I did after Virmire and I was sure you did too. So I decided that to try and help as I did after Virmire. I put on the only set of civvies that I had at the time, The ugly green and yellow ones. The only set I could afford on my salary at the time. I had to try and look as soft as possible. When I went up to your cabin I saw that fire red lock staring at me. Before I even knocked I put my "ear" up to the door to listen, to see if you were in the shower or asleep. I heard you crying and it hurt to her, not physically but in my soul. Another lost crew mate or well ex-crew mate. Just before I could knock Edi's voice came over the intercom to tell me that you wished to be alone as much as I knew you did, I felt that I could help like I did last time. As much as I took Edi's words to heart, I knocked anyway. I didn't hear anything, but just before I walked away the lock turned green and your door slide open.

Slightly relieved I walked in slowly, you were sitting on your couch trying to act like the commander Shepard everyone knows on the outside, but I know the real you. I saw through the Commander Shepard mask. I could see the real Shepard. Jane Shepard. I sat next to you and waited for you. For you to do something. You turned to face and our eyes met, I was looking all over your face, tears still in your eyes, streaks from your tears running down your face to collect on your nose or chin, to drip onto your pant leg or sleeve. Then you started to sob again. I scooted closer and you leaned leaned on me, then you reached around my chest to pull me in, I did the same.

In that moment I decided that it may have been the wrong time to tell you how I felt but i've never had good timing. When you fell silent I let it all out. I told you about how I felt on the SR1 and how I was too nervous to voice it and how after you died I was never going to be able to. I told you about how I thought you were a hallucination and when you hugged me, my heart skipped a beat. Knowing you were alive made me so happy and then I was angry when that missile hit me in the face. I was so angry that I was going to die minutes after after I saw you again. If you hadn't been there calling my name and bringing me back to the real world. If I wasn't focused on your voice and living I would have died, and after Horizon good ol' Garrus was there to help only because you were there for me when I was closest to death. I told you about how when you hugged me after I scooted closer that you needed some information that wasn't about people dying or about or odds of survival. I told you that I loved you and even if you didn't feel the same, I would still have your six no matter what and that if you didn't feel the same way I hoped we would still be friends and, there would be no hard feelings. You didn't move and silence fell over your cabin again. Then you sat up and what happened next shocked me. After you sat up you looked into my eyes and mine into yours the beautiful jade green color they are. Then you kissed me. I was shocked I didn't know how to respond at the time. I don't have lips but I did the best I could and improvised. I pressed my mouth plates harder against your face. I pulled you into a tight embrace never wanting to let you go. Just to hold you close forever. When you pulled away my mouth was tingling. I probably should have asked Mordin about that, but hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

When you asked my to say with you that night I had gotten more nervous than I already was. Then I said something I regretted while saying it. It had worked out in my favor but it had slipped out. I didn't want it to seem that I was rushing our new relationship and, I didn't want to break your rule about talking about the future. I told you that if you asked me to say forever that I would. I was mortified, so embarrassed that I had even said that. I tried to fix the situation, you looked up at me with those jade eyes of yours, still with sadness in them and you did ask if I would say forever. My heart swelled I couldn't believe that you would asked that. After you asked I made a promise to not only you but myself as well. I promised that I would never hurt you, that I would protect you even if it cost my life to protect you from harm. For the rest of the night we just sat there on your couch in silence, until we both fell asleep.

Your Love

Garrus V.

AN 2.0: Thanks for the reviews and helpful writing tips :)


	3. Chapter 3

AN: thanks for reading and stuff... yeah.

Dear Shepard,

The therapist thinks that i'm really opening up because of the letters, so they're continuing for now. He wanted me to talk more about us being together. He said that I looked happier while talking about you and I.

After the night, after Horizon I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I had finally told you how I felt after all those years. I felt the most… together that I have in a long time.

I had woken up before you and we both had fallen asleep on your couch. You were lying on top of my legs. I was pinned down because of it but, I didn't want to wake you up. My curiosity had gotten the better of me and I started to run my talons through your hair. I guess that I accidentally pulled it though and woke you up anyway. You looked up at me not totally refreshed but sad or worried either. I remember the first words from your mouth because they had made me so happy that they are unforgettable. The first words you said to me weren't a statement but a question. Do you always fulfill your promises? I couldn't help but pull you closer into a hug. I told you that I would try my damnedest to carry out my promise to you.

I offered to get you breakfast but, you insisted that you would meet after you decided where we go next, which was Illium. I was sitting in the mess drinking some cava that I made myself and some ration bar which were probably dry and gross as usual. You walked passed me and got something from the fridge and told Rupert to make you something to eat, then you sat next to me with a smile that I hadn't seen in a long time. The last time I saw it was when you had become a Spectre.

You started to laugh almost maniacally then you asked my something that I used to ask myself. Am I crazy for considering you and I? How would others react? What would they think?

Now it was my turn to smile and laugh. I told you that what we're going through that everyone deserved to be a little crazy. As for the crew, they probably saw it coming, I mean you did bring me on every mission. For people who weren't the crew, I didn't know. Some people would think it was good. Turians and Humans putting aside our differences and seeing another being for who they are and not what race or species. I also thought that we would get a lot of weird looks… which we did. But I don't care about what people think especially if it is negative. I did care about what you thought of us. I asked maybe out of nerves or anxiety. What do you think of us?

You told me that you had been thinking of us even before I told you about how I felt and, that you didn't tell me because you didn't know if I was already involved or maybe out of the same anxiety. What you had said next had put me into a stupor and made me even more nervous. You said (in your most cocky tone) that maybe just maybe you were falling in love with me.

I was totally speechless for what felt like minutes but just probably ten to twenty seconds, letting it sink in. You must have been thinking about us for longer then you let on. Before I could respond to what you said, I was interrupted by Joker saying that "if the two love bird would like to know, we have arrived on Illium and that Liara would like speak to you". Information spreads fast on the Normandy.

Grunt and I suited up to head to Liara's office with you. While on our way to her office I was recalling what I was told about Illium. How it was basically Omega with a better coat of paint. If you were in the wrong place at the wrong time well… yeah.

Once at Liara's office we saw her talking to some Salarian, I think she called him Saket. We weren't there for that right now. We were there to pick up Thane and Samara. Samara was Pretty easy to find, held up in the police station. We just had to find what ship her daughter left in. That was a little harder to find. Assassins are kind of meant to be I guess. When we did find him in the towers, he was majestic, extremely talented, you could say that he flowed like water even if he did have Kepral's syndrome. Another two strong additions to your team.

While walking back to the main battery, my omni tool pinged and I had received a message from one of the feelers I had put out. They had found HIM. I had forgotten all about him after admitting my feelings for you. When I saw his name all the anger and hate all came flooding back. I was fuming, wondering what I would have done to him if he was in front of me. I wanted him dead so bad.

When you showed up when doing your rounds, you must have thought that I had gone totally insane. Again. I told you that I had found him, I knew how to find him, that we just had to go to the Citadel, find Fade, and have tell us where exactly he was. Before I could tell you what I wanted to do to him, you held up a finger to get me to pause what I was saying. You raised your omni tool, opened a few interfaces, and finally Joker's voice rang through. You told him that we were going to the Citadel and that we had mother fucker to take out.

You were so beautiful at that moment. I had to hold you close. Before you could even put your arm down, I had grabbed you and started nipping at your neck and shoulder, leaving a red trail behind. I didn't know what had come over me, something… animalistic. I just could control my self. I wanted to explore your body, to feel your skin. So easily scarred and broken. Before I could undress you, you had told edi to shut off all the security systems and lock them from Joker. Lock the doors so that one could enter or leave. Once I had you undressed I pulled away making notes as I went along your body. Slim body, supportive waist, and delicate limbs. I was shocked and wondered how much power came out of someone so small. You walked up to me and started to undo clasps and seals of my armor. Soon I was just in my under suit which was also quickly taken off.

Soon we were both standing completely naked, no barriers, no more wondering what the other looked like under, the clothes or armor. The confused look on your face was priceless and also told me that you had never seen a Turian naked. I mean there would be no real reason for you to have. I could basically read your mind, you were wondering where 'I' was. Without even having to ask I told you about Turian physiology. You were visibly more relaxed after the explanation. I had to ask where you erogenous zones were so that I wasn't going into it blind when we did 'I'. I also told you that I would show you where mine were in return. After the tour of each others bodies and before you could put your clothes back on, I grabbed you again and pulled you close. Your body was warm, soft yet, hard, but still squishy. As weird as it was to admit to myself, it had felt… right. I love you so much Jane.

After you left I got myself ready for the Citadel. I couldn't wait, I was becoming more impatient and anxious, two traits I hate about myself sometimes. I did learn to control it though. I had to be patient for you, I had to wait until you were ready, until you would allow us to get to the next step, until our relationship could really become ours.

After we found Harkin we did a not so C-sec interrogation. Harkin that fucking ass always made my job harder than it had to be. Even when I worked for C-sec he tried to make my life a living hell. He was lucky I only shot him in the knee.

When up on the ledge I sent Grunt back to the Normandy and had another sky car ordered. I wanted to make up to you almost dying and the way that made you feel. I guess that I felt guilty for something that I couldn't control.

Once Sidonis' body lie on the ground I felt… calm, more in control. Focused. I was able to focus on the mission and you. With that we climbed in the sky car and we were off.

Just so that you wouldn't think that I was kidnapping you, I let slip what Joker had said to me about how you hid in your cabin and wouldn't come out. I told you how that made me feel. Horrible. Like it was all my fault even though I had no real control over the situation.

We went down to a small bar that I used to go to when I was at C-sec. After a few drinks and some old stories, I started to talk about old relationships, well the few I've had. None like ours though. You meant the world to me and you still do.

If someone had told me that I would fall in love with a human, I would have probably scoffed and blow it off. If that same person also said that the human would be my C.O., I would have likely started to knock on their head to make sure something was in there, but now… now I would have to thank that person.

I remember just staring at you. You were strikingly beautiful in the low red light of the bar and, I told you so, which made you start to cry. I thought that I had stepped over some line I didn't know about at the time.

when you calmed a bit from your quiet sobs, you stopped me from apologizing. Then what you said is something that I will never forget (even if I came down with Corpalis syndrome), The last person who called you beautiful was your brother after he had protected from some bullies who were being real assholes. That was the day before Him and everyone else you knew died in the Batarian slaver raid on the colony you lived in.

I was taken aback. I just reacted, I wasn't really in control of myself. I just started to move. I had gotten up and walked over to your side of the table and wrapped my arms around you and picked you up from your seat just holding you. I whispered something in your ear like how nobody deserved to watch someone die not you, not me, not anyone. I wanted that night to end happy, but it hadn't. It ended with you and me asleep in your bed.

I had woken up with a hangover that I couldn't deal with it though. My arm was pinned underneath you. Your hair was in my face and it was intoxicating as always. I now know that your favorite fruit is strawberry and that you always bought strawberry scented body and hair products.

Soon enough you had woken up yourself. Probably because I was running my talon through it (again). I was so embarrassed when you turned over and asked why I kept messing with your hair. It was just so interesting. Humans are the only rain with hair and until I had touched yours, I always wondered what it felt like. It was soft but, strong, and almost acts like water when you move it. After a few hours of idle conversation about what we would be doing for the next week or so, I left for the battery as usual. When I had gotten there something was a little off. Then I had noticed that the Thanix Cannons that I had mentioned had been installed. Why are you so good to me? I don't deserve you. Less now than I knew at the time. You were the anonymous source of payment for my mother's treatment. I didn't know it yet but, I would learn that soon enough.

For the next couple of weeks we went around picking up the remainder of the crew. Then you started to help each and every one of them with whatever problems they had. whether it be family, friend, or growing pains. Hell you even helped Liara with the shadow broker. Every one trusted you without a second thought now.

If we didn't have to install that damn reaper i.f.f. everyones' moral would have been so high almost electric, but it's hard to keep moral up when most of your crew was kidnapped by the enemy.

When you came into the battery I was preparing to find you. When you spoke what you said was eye opening and completely true. You told me that you knew why I had wanted to kill Sidonis. You said that when you picked me up on Omega that I seemed a little… broken. That I wasn't who I was back on the sr1. That I wasn't this timid person who would throw small quips into a conversation for the small smiles, or chuckles that they would invoke. That some things also didn't change. The way that I always had your six no matter what, or the uncanny way I always have the right thing to say.

You said that you knew what it was like now. Not to live on Omega for two years. To lose the people who serve under you so quickly without warning. Just to show up to the aftermath not being to do anything. It was different from losing people one at a time. When you lose a group of people, you just snap, crack, break. You change. You don't know what's going on around you, or what happen around you, or what happens to you. You just stop.

The realization that you were right left me shocked. You were right no doubt about it. The only difference other then that we weren't on Omega was that, you wouldn't have to deal with it alone. You had people to fall back on, and a cocky turian to help you through it.

We were making one last run to the Citadel for supplies, before we hit the Collector base. You and I stayed in the battery chatting about how you wished that you had stayed dead on alchera. Well until some devilishly handsome Turian pulled you into the light. Even though it was the low red light of The Normandy's battery, but it was the light nonetheless.

Us broken people have to stay together.

You brought up my mother and how you wished that you could have met her. I hadn't told anyone that she had died those years back. I asked you what you meant by "wished". You said that you had overheard me talking to someone. That person was likely my sister since she was the one who told me that our mother was finally diagnosed with Corpalis, after years of suspicion. You told me that you used your Spectre status to get her medical records from the copies that were on the Citadel. Once you saw and researched what Corpalis was, you stated to send every last spare credit you had to fund her treatment. I couldn't believe what I had heard. Why would she do that for me? Why would she do that for just a friend (at the time)?

Without Shepard's help, I don't know what we would have done. There is only so much you can sell or barter until you have literally nothing left. I don't know if without Shepard's help how long we could have kept the treatments going. We likely would have done anything to help her as long as the treatments went on. There is only so much fight in one person. More in some than others but everyone eventually gets worn out, and just wants what ever problem there facing to disappear, to vanish like it never happened. I will never know what would have happened if she didn't help, but because she did help I got to see my mom one more time before she died. Even if it was on her death bed, I needed to tell her that I loved her, for her to hear it one more time from me.

If I could cry I would have been. I remember pulling you in close. My sub-harmonics putting out the thrum of sadness, but also relief. Sadness because remembering someone is something no one wants to do. Reminding yourself that you will never be able to see someone again hurts. It hurts because then you have to remember that you live in the real world. Where everyone dies there is no such thing as eternal life. Life may be eternal in the afterlife but not in the mortal world.

And relief because I finally knew who the anonymous source of money was. relief because I could finally thank that person, and tell them how gracious my family and I were. I can't thank her enough. That night was supposed to end up nice and calm. Instead I was the one crying at the end. It seems that one of us end up in some sort of sad state when we are together.

When we docked at the Citadel for a final supply run, I made up some story so that I could go pick up some things. I had to pick up some synthetic wine so that we both could drink it, and some flowers.

The store clerk at the flower shop was some character. When she had asked what language to put the card in, and I said human, she gave me this weird look of confused mixed with like acceptance. When she asked who to address the card to and I said Commander Shepard, she had given me this look like are you fucking kidding me? What she said next basically killed me, my face hurt so much from laughing. "Are you one of those people who buy famous people things and then follow them around trying to get there attention?" When I had calmed myself and was getting a couple of weird looks from a couple of other turians in the shop, I leaned over the counter so that the clerk was the only one who could hear me. Even though she was Asari I swear that I saw her blush when I told her that I served on the Normandy and that we were testing the waters. While I was walking out of the shop the two Turians who were also in the shop were giving me an even stranger look then they were before. I guess that when I was whispering to the Asari clerk that I hadn't restrained my sub-vocals and they had heard everything.

They didn't really have much room to talk though. The two other patrons in the shop were both Turian and both male. I had heard their sub-vocals the entire time I was there. The heavy lust in there speech, the way they looked at each other. They had even touched their foreheads together in a Turian style kiss. Though not for long I had noticed that they did. The only reason that I even remember those two is because it is very uncommon to see gay couples in Turian society. the Turian people typically focus on reproduction and the advancement of our people, so it was nice to see others "testing the waters". It meant that the galaxy was changing as much to the protest of the older generations. Even though they may not like it those who don't adapt, die. It was going to happen whether they liked it or not.

While I was leaving the Asari called to me saying good luck. I remember that what she said had put more pep in my step and that I had some renewed confidence in myself, still a little wary, you are Commander Shepard after all. I have so seen so much go wrong that I don't know what I would do if something happened to you.

before I went to find you, I put the flowers in a small vase in your cabin. It took me a while to find you when I returned to the citadel. Eventually I found you in the gun shop with the Turian guy who said that he would name his first born after you. I believe that when I had entered that you were looking at sniper rifle mods, but you didn't use a rifle at the time so, I pretended not to notice.

Pulling you away from the counter and out into the hall and then into a skycar that was waiting for us. I had to call in a couple of favors from some people at c-sec that owed me. I had gotten us a reservation to a restaurant that was almost impossible to get into without the right connections or a reservation months in advance. It also may have been the same restaurant that you would fall through almost a year later. That restaurant is basically all glass and even though it's safe to be in, it just seems to fragile. After being seated, I had thought that I had forgotten something and I did. Forgetting it was terrible but not having it at all would have been worse. Rushing out to pick it up took much longer than I would have liked, but it was totally worth it in the end.

Even though I did not have much money at the time due to the salary that I was working with didn't deter me from buying this for you. When I saw it, I had to buy for you it was basically perfect. It was a bracelet that was made of silver and had to gems set next to each other as the center piece. The two gems is what made it perfect one was from Palaven called Spire it's blue and closely related to earth's sapphire. The other was an emerald.

I had rushed back as quickly as I could. I thought that I had taken to long and that you would be gone by the time I would return. When I returned and you were still sitting there relief had washed over me, it looked like you were taking the scenery, probably trying to remember every detail because you thought you would never be back there again. Well we all know what happen when the next time you visited. You were as beautiful as always. When I sat down you had shot me this look, like what the hell was that, why did you leave? Pretty suspicious, and it was. randomly leaving just to return like nothing happened is always a little suspicious. I had wanted to wait until we had left to give the bracelet to you, but the jig was up. Handing you the small black case with the gold and red lace wrapped around it in a neat bow, your eyes had lit up in maybe surprise. Obviously not expecting anything since I wasn't on Cerberus' payroll and had no income at all since leaving Omega. With what I had, had gone into that bracelet almost every last credit I had.

Taking it out of the small box, your eyes had turned into saucers. I had never seen your eyes so wide before. And there it was the smile so few get to see. The smile that said everything you want to hear. That everything would be o.k., that we'll make it, that the Collectors and the reapers had no chance. The smile that made anyone who saw it made them happy, even if it was a terrible day.

It seemed like all the pressure of going through the Omega four had mostly disappeared. The night spent in your cabin was blissful. I hadn't really seen a human naked before, except that time in the battery but we were interrupted before anything happened. All I saw in the battery was your tight frame, the curve of your waist, the scars from being rebuilt and from previous battle, the scars that would never fade even with your cybernetics.

I had never blown off steam with a human before. It was different, not in a bad way but slower, more sensual, more about being together then procreating. It was beautiful, sensual, Amazing. That night added another reason for why I love you Shepard. That night was beautiful until Joker interrupted and said that we had made it through the relay. kind of a mood killer, but something had finally gone right in my life.

Once we "landed" on the Collector ship and had gotten inside we had luckily found most of the non combat crew. We were lucky that we got there when we did and saved as many as we did. Mordin was sent back to help with the wounded. Next Tali was sent into the tube and the second fire team split off. I had thought at the time that Miranda would lead you second team since she was the XO at the time. When I was assigned to lead it, all I could remember was the last group I lead and well that didn't end that great. At all. I didn't really believe in myself as a leader anymore, but that you did had struck some confidence into me. Not being on your six made me uncomfortable. Being protective is a Turian thing or maybe just a me thing. It felt wrong. Luck for me you changed it up and had Miranda lead the team the second time and put me back where I like to be.

The human reaper was one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen. The only thing more scary then that was watching the Reapers land on Palaven and Menae. Spirits damn the reapers. There gone now but damn them anyway. The Collectors may have been nightmare fuel and bringers of the worst ptsd imaginable, but the Reapers were on a whole nother level.

Blowing that ship out of the sky felt amazing. It was the end, it was over, for about six months. Then all hell broke loose.

Your Love,

Garrus Vakarian


End file.
